


The Discord Servers of Hell

by Ineffable lawr (LawrVert)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Hell's Discord Server
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, Good Omens Bingo 2021, Hell's Discord Server - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LawrVert/pseuds/Ineffable%20lawr
Summary: Written as a Good Omens Bingo Fill that got out of hand. A series of chats in Hell's Discord featuring all the side demons and eventually Crowley.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20
Collections: Good Omens Bingo 2021





	1. Chapter 1

Both Heaven and Hell were years ahead of humanity in developing Social Networks and vast communication systems. In Heaven, the platform was called EtheriumNet. In hell, it was HellOnline. (HellOnline had quite a memorable tone when starting up and could take as long as three days to connect.) 

Angels and demons inspired some of the human platforms over the years. Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter were Heaven’s. The aptly named Discord was Hell’s, and no one really knew who was to blame for Tumblr. What follows are transcripts from HellOnline's logs. 

* * *

*Hastur has joined the Discord*

ChameleonFire32: Hastur! Hello

Hastur: How do I join the chat?

ChameleonFire32: You’re in already, mate. We can see you. 

Hastur: I can’t see any of you. It’s not working. 

ChameleonFire32: It’s not a video chat. We can see what you’re typing. 

*Dagonlordoffiles has joined the Discord

PrinceofHell: Dagon! Thank God you’re here. I was dying of boredom. 

Dagonlordoffiles: How is everyone today? Any evil deeds? 

EricNumber 3456543: I turned everyone’s regular coffee into decaf. 

Hastur: That’s not evil. 

EricNumber 3456543: I dunno. You’ve obviously never tried coffee on Earth. 

*Eric Number 3456543 has left the Discord 

Dagonlordoffiles: Where’s he gone? Eric! 

PrinceofHell: Did you vaporize him, Hastur? 

Hastur: Yes? 

PrinceofHell: I like vaporizing Eric as much as the next demon, but we do have to get started with the meeting soon. 

*Eric Number 3456544 has joined the Server 

Hastur: Why do we have to do these meetings on computers? 

Dagonlordoffiles: Some new technology training initiative. Budget cuts if you ask me. 

PrinceofHell: Alright, lads can we get started now? Anyone else need to get coffee or take a piss or vaporize Eric? 

Eric Number 3456544: Can we not? 

PrinceofHell: Alright. Anyone have any deeds of the day they want to recount? 

ChameleonFire32: I tempted a minister to take a bit of money from the church coffers. Money would have gone to charity. Now, it’s bought him an expensive new watch. 

Hastur: Impressive. I tempted a student to skip all his classes. He was destined to be a famous scientist but not anymore. He’s ours now. 

Dagonlordoffiles: Nice work, but we’ll have to do better than that if we want to turn souls for our Dark Master. Our numbers of corrupted souls are declining. If Lucifer doesn’t see improvement soon, he’s going to impose a quota, and none of us want that, do we? 

PrinceofHell: If he does that, you have no idea how much paperwork I’ll have to deal with. I HATE fucking paperwork. You bloody sods had better get more souls or it’s a sulfur bath for the lot of you!

Eric Number 3456544: I have a question about that? 

*Eric 3456544 has left the server* 

ChameleonFire32: Another one bites the dust. 

PrinceofHell: Just win more souls. No more questions. Understood? 

Dagonlordoffiles: Yes, my liege. 

Hastur: Is the meeting over? I can’t see anyone.

ChameleonFire32: Still not a videochat, mate. 

*VeryDemonicandEvil has joined the server*

VeryDemonicandEvil: So, crazy idea everyone, but what if we all stopped tempting people to evil.

Dagonlordoffiles: Are you having a go with us? 

PrinceofHell: Everyone knows it’s you, Gabriel

PrinceofHell: Sod off, wankwings! 

*VeryDemonicandEvil has left the server*

*DefinitelynottheArchangelGabriel has joined the server*

PrinceofHell: Oh, Bloody hell 


	2. Tech Support?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hastur has issues with computers

DukeofHell: Hello, is anyone online? 

Eric 3456550: Hello! I’m here. 

DukeofHell: Anyone else? 

*WilySerpent666 has entered the server*

WilySerpent666: Hey, DukeofHell! What’s up? 

DukeofHell: I’ve been working on my report for the last three days, and it won’t save. I hate computers. 

WilySerpent666: They’re not so bad. I can try and help you if you want. 

DukeofHell: Yes! This machine doesn’t do anything right! 

WilySerpent666: Let’s see if I can talk you through it. Is it plugged in? 

DukeofHell: Yes, of course, it’s plugged in! 

WilySerpent666: That’s a good start. 

Eric 3456550: He’s right about that. 

DukeofHell: What do I do? 

WilySerpent666: Hit Control then A then the Delete button. 

Eric 3456550: Ah, boss. About that button

DukeofHell: Shut up, Eric! At least he’s being helpful unlike the rest of you lot! 

WilySerpent666: Did you do that yet? 

DukeofHell: The words are disappearing. Where did they go? 

WilySerpent666: Perfectly normal. Nothing to worry about. Ready for the next bit? 

DukeofHell: I think so. 

WilySerpent666: Hit the Control Key Again then S then Alt and F4. 

DukeofHell: Alright. There’s nothing there. Where did it go? 

WilySerpent666: Oh no. That’s not good. Did you forget to hit one of the keys. 

DukeofHell: No. I did exactly what you told me to. It’s gone! How do I make it come back?

Eric 3456550: Boss, you just deleted it. You can’t. 

*Eric3456550 has left the Discord* 

Ligur: What is Crowley doing in here? 

*WilySerpent666 has left the server* 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
